Being John Malkovich

4th Sep 20197th Oct 2019 / criticallyashamed / Leave a comment

” Meet you in Malkovich in one hour”
Review by Lewis Goodall

Being John Malkovich answers the question, what would it be like to be someone else? What would it be like to see through someone elses eyes? I wonder what John Malkovich’s thighs look like In the shower?

Directed by the ever incredible Spike Jonze and written by the equally fantastic Charlie Kaufman, we are greeted with a puppet show. A very well performed puppet show by puppeteer Craig Schwartz (John Cusack), an aspiring performer looking to make his big break in the puppeteering world by busting on the streets. As Craig reluctantly starts his new filing job, he discovers a small, boarded up door behind a filing cabinet. As he investigates beyond the door, he discovers that this door is in fact a portal directly to the head of actor John Malkovich (John Malkovich). The overwhelming sensation of being in someone else’s body sparks emotions that Craig has never felt before.

‘Being john Malkovich’. Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich. How can I describe this film other than using the word Malkovich? Easily is the answer. This film insanely original and Infinitely creative, I wouldn’t expect anything other than this when two great minds are put together. Since falling in love with Spike Jonze’s film ‘Her’ (a film I feel is THE most perfect film ever made), I’ve been making my way through all his work and I would consider him and genius, especially after the fatboy slim music video, ‘Weapon of choice’, with Christopher Walken, a music video that everyone knows and everyone loves. Seeing that he directed this film made me want to watch it even more but when I found out that charlie Kaufman wrote it too I was sold. Being the writer for both ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind’ and ‘Anomalisa’, two insanely original films, I’ve made a space in my heart for him as well. The TWO of them combining their genius is a dream come true. They are both a tour de force with this film as it’s just insanely different and also incredibly funny as well. Both of these two are very skilled in being able to mixed perfectly timed humour into theirs scripts, and to top it off, humour that’s actually funny. This is the first film in a long time where I was consistently laughing out loud the whole way through and it was a real joy to watch.

From the initial description I’ve done for this review I feel it’s safe to assume that you’ve guessed that this film is a very surreal film and you’d be 100% correct. So as mentioned, our protagonist starts his new filing job due to his fast and nimble hands from being a puppeteer. Although he’s a very skilled puppeteer, it not enough for him to provide for both himself and his wife, Lotte (Cameron Diaz), a vet/pet store owner, I’m not sure which it is but it’s one of them because they have an assortment of animals living in their apartment. It’s like snow white just sang and all the creatures have come to clean the apartment. This new Job takes place on floor 7 1/2 of a building complex. The floors ceilings are half the height of a normal ceiling and it was from this moment that you can tell the film is gonna venture into odd but incredible areas. When Craig discovers this portal, he crawls inside this door and can see through John Malkovich’s eyes for 15 minutes, then he gets flung out the portal half way across the city on the side of the road. He tells his alluring colleague, Maxine (Catherine Keener) about this portal to which she has the idea to make it into an attraction where people across the city and participate in being John Malkovich for 15 minutes. Just the whole experience is hilarious and this continues for the duration of the film. It’s hard to say much without spoiling the film as this is one of those films that needs to be experienced and believe me, you need to experience this. Admittedly I would say that I know this film wouldn’t be for everyone, it teeters on a fine line in the middle of people who think it’s too bizarre that’s it’s just stupid, or the people who watch it and think it’s just one of the best nonsense films ever made.

Being called ‘Being John Malkovich’ obviously would suggest that John Malkovich is in it and spoilers, he is. John is definitely the standout performance in this film. John Cusack, Cameron Diaz and the other one and all great for their parts. Cusack plays the struggling puppeteer, Diaz with the unloved Animal lover and Keener with the seductive, minx like performance, all of them are great but Malkovich makes it. His comedic timing in this film, matched with the stunning script, packs a massive punch with some scenes Including him had me rewinding it so I can laugh at it all over again. This goes for the whole film really, the whole film is just wonderfully balanced between great writing and great performances.

Overall this is just an intensely imaginative film that has instantly shot it’s way up to being one of my favourite films. Its films like that that need to be more appreciated by the general audience because its films like this that are just so far from anything else out there that people need to travel to hilarious places. The whole journey of self discovery will hit home with a lot of people I feel. I also at the same time wouldn’t call it a perfect film although it’s close. Nothing that I could say in particular but i just felt some parts of the film felt a bit loose compared to the rest of the film, I couldn’t put it down specially to the acting at moments or what was happening but everyone and then it very minimally didn’t feel as tightly packed as the rest of the film. Maybe because sometimes the way it was shot was a bit generic so compared most of the film, maybe that was it but it doesn’t distract too much from being unbelievably great. Be John Malkovich.

9 Monkey Nam Flashbacks out of 10

Vice

26th Aug 20197th Oct 2019 / criticallyashamed / Leave a comment

“It was the fucking 1980’s and it was a hell of a time to be Dick Cheney”
Review by Lily Taylor

So apparently this movie is staring Christian Bale but if his name hadn’t been in the opening credits, I honestly wouldn’t have guessed it was him! Bale plays Dick Cheney, Vice President to George W. Bush (Sam Rockwell) and prominent political arsehole. Cheney’s journey to The White House is narrated by a young veteran of the Iraq War with an undisclosed relationship to Cheney himself. The story begins in 1963 when Dick Cheney drops out of college, gets a DUI and receives a bollocking from his wife Lynne (Amy Adams) within approximately 10 minutes. Flash forward six years and Cheney secures a job working for Donald Rumsfeld (Steve Carell) as a White House intern while Lynne cares for their two young daughters.

Despite being a college dropout, Dick Cheney’s political career is on the rise and he decides to run for office in Wyoming. Cue heart attack numero uno. Poor old Dick is hospitalised following a heart attack, leaving Lynne to run things on his behalf. She is truly the fire that seems to kick start his whole campaign, she’s like a real life Lesley Knope (but less of a fan of racial or gender equality). After a few more political stepping stones, the details of which I won’t bore you with, Dick Cheney is invited to be Bush’s running mate in the 2000 Presidential Election. Cheney manipulates Bush into granting him certain ‘executive responsibilities’ that a Vice President typically wouldn’t be involved in.

Using his position in the Bush administration, Dick Cheney launches U.S. invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan in the aftermath of 9/11. He uses The Unitary Executive Theory to sanction torture of captives and the killing of civilians. The idea behind this theory is basically that The President, and by extension Dick Cheney, is allowed to do whatever the hell they want regardless of the potential cost in lives or money- good stuff huh? Hopefully nobody tells Trump about that one!

The direction from Adam McKay was on point throughout and I loved the attention to detail. McKay uses quick snapshots to bring us up to speed on certain historical events which was both effective and innovative, and I believe a technique he has a bit of a penchant for judging by his previous works. Before Cheney decides to be Bush’s running mate, we see him at home with Lynne, his daughters and their dogs and the credits begin to roll after a seemingly happy ending. The credits end abruptly and Dick goes on to cause political havoc and become estranged from his youngest daughter by taking a stand against gay rights. I thought this was pure genius, a sarcastic comment on what could have been if Cheney had been a better man. In a quirky cinematic twist, Dick and Lynne recite Shakespeare to each other representing a conversation around Cheney’s upcoming meeting with Bush; in a film with such serious undertones it really helps to captivate the audience.

A particularly unique scene takes place in The White House where names and even actual faces have been redacted from the scene. The whole thing was so unique and politically charged but in a truly accessible way. Brilliant performances by almost the entire cast; Christian Bale, Amy Adams and Steve Carell stood out for me as being particularly entertaining and their character development and ageing was carried out to perfection. There’s also a wonderful plot twist involving our narrator, but you’ll have to actually watch the film for that one.

‘Vice’ was not quite a perfect film in my opinion. The main thing that soured it slightly for me was that the heavy politics of the story doesn’t quite captivate the audience for the length of the film, at times I felt bogged down a little in the narrative. I feel it might have been better to strip down the content and focus on Cheney’s role as Vice President with less focus on the lengthy build up. That being said, the ultimate message behind the film and the exposé of Cheney’s colourful political career stuck with me long after the real credits rolled.

I would give ‘Vice’ 8.5 Cuckoo Clocks out of 10.

Revenge

21st Aug 20197th Oct 2019 / criticallyashamed / Leave a comment

“Women always have to put up a fucking fight”
Review by Lewis Goodall

Revenge is a dish best served cold. A phrase I still don’t really get, you’re enemy would take one bite and then slide the plate away and not eat the rest, and for what? A quick laugh, it’s a very mild prank at best, at least say ‘revenge is a dish best served cold and poisoned’, or ‘revenge is a dish served by a waiter who’s also an assassins who will put the plate in front of you and before you take your first bite they tie a garrote wire around your neck and strangle you so tightly that it cuts through your head and decapitates you’. You know? Just some variations to bring it into the 21st century. If you really want to get revenge on someone then you can learn the french way with ‘Revenge’.

Revenge is a French film written and directed by Coralie Fargeat. Taking place in the middle of a desert, 3 business associates meet up for an annual hunting trip. The boss of the operation, Richard (Kevin Janssens) arrives a day early at this remote condo in the middle of the desert with his mistress, Jen (Matilda Lutz), to fit in some quick naked wrestling (sex) before his associates arrive. Jen being the attractive american within the group of creepy business men attracts wrong attention from them and leads to to become abit upfront with their advances. Jen attempts to escape the madhouse to which Richard, Stan (Vincent Colombe) and Dimitri (Guillaume Bouchède) follow her tail in pursuit. What turns into a violent game of cat and mouse, the three men learn to not mess with an American.

Without sounding like a cis white male, I was honestly surprised to find out that this film was directed by a woman. Not in the way of ‘a woman directing a film? This cant be right’, but in the way that this film just reeks ‘a perverted man directed this’. Within the first ten minutes we’re greet with many arse shots of the lovely Jen. I’m not complaining, don’t get me wrong, I’m on the side with Richard who described it out of this world so by all means you go ahead Coralie. Although the cinema scene is dominated by male directors, its really fresh to see a film as awesome and gritty as this. This film is a gore lovers dream. I actually read a fact that there is so much fake blood in this film that they kept running out and after watching the film I can understand why.

Right from the get go we are greeted with some wonderful cinematography of the dry, sandy landscape. Settling into this luxury condo feels inviting and gets you involved with the characters immediately. This being a french film it had to include a sex scene from the get go. We swiftly learn that Richard is being unfaithful via a phone call to his wife and kids, instantly painting Richard as a typical, businessman douchebag and boy does he play the douchebag well. All four of the names previously mentioned are the only characters we meet apart from the pilot for the helicopter that got them there and one motorcyclist you see in the far background of one shot near the end. All four of them bring each of their own to the table, but its Jen who brings the most to this film cause she is one badass woman. She’s up there with being as badass as Lara Croft, but not as badass as Uma Thurman in kill bill but still badass.

During the beginning portion of this film, we stay within the condo with Jen and the three men. They are celebrating that night with drinking and music. Jen is trusted with a very highly potent drug that the helicopter driver gave to Richard, a drug so powerful that when high on it you can feel now pain. The night goes well and Jen pulls some raunchy moves which get everyone excited. The party scene here is visually really pleasing, not just for the moves but with some vibrant lighting and quick cuts make for a nice montage. That said for most of the movie, its cut and shot really nicely to convey the right emotions at the time, whether fear or anger it’s there.

I wont say anything here but I’ll have a spoiler section. A certain event happens which makes Jen want to leave. The men knowing full well what happened was illegal, make sure that that doesn’t happen. Eventually Jen manages to escape their grasp and thus starts the game of cat and mouse with guns. I will mention what happens in the spoiler section but as I mentioned before, this film is violent as hell. Being part of this new French extremism, it doesn’t hold back in making the viewer wince and cringe with the ways injuries are inflicted on these characters and the amount of blood that follows. There is one scene in particular where a character treads on glass that seriously got to me. Another fact is that this scene made people faint and vomit during the screening so it’s an overall opinion everyone has with this scene and I’ll tell you it was not nice.

With the story being fairly simplistic, there wasn’t much room for there to be any real emotion attachment to these characters, but this isn’t the sort of film where you go into it for the narrative, it’s to see some all out violence and it’s most definitely delivers. The directors definitely knew the gore is great and I feel like they thought that people would focus on the violence so much that people wouldn’t pick up on the amount of mistakes that this film had and let me tell you, there are a lot. It got fairly laughable with how many mistakes there were in this film. Whether it was a vehicle that can teleport or a bullet hole completely disappearing/moving to another part of the body, it was there and it happened a lot. I cringed a lot at the foot scene but I cringed even harder seeing the camera crew in the vehicles reflection multiple times in one scene.

This film will have people tense, wincing and also going ‘wait what??’. There are many things that make this film great but also many aspects that are just too distracting to brush over. So many times I found myself saying out loud ‘how?’. I would definitely recommend this film to anyone who’s looking for their blood fix but I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone who has every trodden on anything.

7 Mary Poppins Necklaces out of 10

Spoilers

There has to be a spoilers sections because I need to talk about the biggest aspect of this film that got to me. So as mentioned before, there is a certain event that leads our protagonist to run away. This certain event is Stan raping her. It happens the morning after the party and her suggestive ‘hints’ from her dancing seductively got Stan in the frame of mind for taking what he wants.

As she runs from the house, the three men chase her as they don’t want anyone finding out and them doing time. They catch up to her on the edge of a cliff to which Richard pushed her off and she is impaled on a tree. Branch skewering her through the stomach like a kebab. Somehow she survived this plummet and manages to get down with half the branch still sticking out of her stomach. Obviously leaking a lot of blood and needing to get rid of the extra limb she’s acquired. She takes this potent drug and pulls the branch out and cauterise it with a beer can.
cauterising a hole in the body would not make you all better 8 hours later after waking up. There is no longer a hole or any pain for that matter apart from slight burn marks on her front and back. Not knowing whether the film is meant to be out of the realm of possibility, Jen being able to survived being impaled was just a tad far fetched.

Damsel

19th Aug 201919th Aug 2019 / criticallyashamed / 2 Comments

“I know I don’t know everything. But I know as much as I can handle, and I’d like to leave it at that”
Review by Willow Taylor

After having a couple days to let the impact of this cinematic masterpiece mellow, I’ve come to the conclusion that I absolutely loved it.
The film opens at a desert bus stop, AKA the middle of nowhere, where a man escaping his “troubled past” is found to be conversing with an elderly parson. The man reveals that he is desperate for a fresh start following the death of his wife, however, this ‘fresh start’ is not quite as peaceful as he had hoped, as we later find out. The existentialist parson eventually gifts the man with his clothes and bible, and with an ‘Adios Amigo’, trapes into the desert heat, leaving the man to take on the admirable identity of ‘Parson Henry’ and escape to his new life in the west.

We are next introduced to arguably the most intriguing character in the film, Samuel Alabaster (portrayed by Robert Pattinson), who’s accompanied by Butterscotch the miniature horse- the first of many playful insight into the quirks of the film, somewhat comparable to that of Wes Anderson. After Samuel has located the drunken ‘Parson Henry’ and enlisted his help in finding his kidnapped fiancé, Penelope, the unlikely duo set off with Butterscotch in tow in an attempt to track down his wife-to-be. However, as later revealed, the truth is far from what the deluded Samuel believes, meaning the imposter Parson is left bewildered as to what to do next.

As I’m hoping you can tell from the review so far, I was engrossed in the film from scene 1. Maybe it was the shear peculiarity of it or the miniature horse I’ll never know, but what I can tell you is I was not disappointed. Firstly, I find it hard to believe that anyone could review this film without mentioning the outstanding soundtrack. The Octopus Project did an excellent job in creating the soundtrack and each piece was perfectly matched to each scene, creating the desired affect on the audience I’m sure. My favourite being ‘Parting Ways’ which can be found at the end of the film. Without giving too much away, I think this piece perfectly mirrors the feelings of the remaining protagonists- loneliness and uncertainty of what comes next. Furthermore, it illustrates how, despite the dramatic journey prior, they haven’t changed, Penelope is just as stone-cold and badass as before, as she is witnessed rowing out to sea with nothing but a miniature horse, and the Parson is just as lonely in his hunt for love, as he is seen returning to the bar for a drink.

However, there were some inconsistencies that did affect my thoughts on the film. One of these was the character Rufus Cornell, who largely had me puzzled by not only his demeanour and actions, but in the simple fact the somehow, he survived after falling off a ‘cliff’. Although the main discrepancy being that we never truly find out Samuel and Penelope’s past, which, if included, would have definitely helped clear up some questions. For example, why did Samuel think they were engaged? Why was Penelope with Anton Cornell? Etc. On the other hand, the lack of backstory did add to the mystery of the film and the confusion the audience felt was mirrored in the Parson, as he was never told what actually happened either. Furthermore, perhaps the Zellner brothers wanted the viewer to piece together their past from hints of what Samuel and Penelope said, but of course I’m only assuming.
Despite this, I still thoroughly enjoyed the film, not only in the creative aspects, but I found the story genuinely gripping. As well as the tremendous performance by Robert Pattinson (Samuel) and Mia Wasikowska (Penelope) but I think that possibly the most convincing performance was in fact by one of the directors, David Zellner, who played Parson Henry. Zellner succeeded in creating a lonely hopless-romantic in which the viewer can only take pity on.
All in all, I would class Damsel as one of my all time favourite films and, coming from someone that doesn’t usually enjoy Westerns, it’s a film anyone can appreciate. The peculiar creative aspects, sharp comedy, remarkable cast, and extremely well-suited soundtrack make it a highly enjoyable film that I can assure you I will be watching again.

I rate this 9 Miniature Horses out of 10

Man on Fire

14th Aug 20197th Oct 2019 / criticallyashamed / Leave a comment

“His art is death, he’s about to paint his masterpiece”
Review by Lewis Goodall

Denzel Washington, the best actor ever, he’s so darn cool, he’s so darn clever (which is a reference 926,000 people will understand) plays John Creasy, an alcoholic, body guard with 16 years military training who is visiting an old friend, Paul Rayburn (Christopher Walken) in Mexico. Paul has a job opportunity for John to protect the daughter of Samuel Ramos (Marc Anthony), a successful businessman who does business things has money. Samuel Ramos’ daughter, Pita (Dakota Fanning) Is a swimmer/piano player/young person who is being protected by Creasy as there has been an increase in child kidnappings in the surrounding area by an organised crime syndicate who ransoms kids for money. Creasy being a depressive alcoholic finds it hard to take his mind off the job and makes no attempt to be Pita’s friend (the audiences sadly goes “aaaaaaaw”). As they spend more time together they build more of a connection till they are practically inseparable (the audience happily goes “aaaaaaaaaw”). As the syndicate commits a crime against the Ramos family that Creasy is hire to protect he must channel his former CIA skills for his tale of vengeance.

There’s more to the story than that but I don’t want to spoil the story right here at the beginning so I’ll have a spoil section at the end because I very much need to talk about that half of the film as well so no spoilers here for you and I recommend that you see this film without seeing the spoilers cause this is a damn fine movie.

Now this film is actually based on a true story which I had no idea about until the very end to which is was like “oh wow this was based on a true story”. The whole time watching it I was thinking what a creative and original story this was so I was gonna give a lot of credit to the writers for creating the story but I guess I have to thank the real life John Creasy for creating this great story. Turning this true story into this fantastic movie is a credit to the screenwriters for making a smooth experience for this story. Starting off with showing Creasy’s character through the alcohol he drinks was a great introduction into learning just how this character works. Denzel Washington is honestly fantastic and is the most stand out performance in this whole film, especially once we start seeing him rekindle his military training and going after the bad guys in the film. He’s truly the black John Wick in this film, and if you haven’t seen John Wick well he is basically a white John Creasy.

Dakota Fanning who is 9 years old in this film actually has a stand out performance which Is really surprising when normally kid actors are pretty useless. Although there is one moment where I saw her look at the camera, I saw you Dakota, don’t try and deny it.

These two start off together as strictly business as he takes her to school in the mornings to keep her safe from any potential predators that could be lurking. Telling Creasy facts about recent kidnappings and asking personal questions sets their relationship off to a bumpy start as Creasy is an introvert with a dark past of violence and loss. Constant reminders of his past, mixed with the alcohol makes Creasy a very suicidal boy to which he finds himself in his bedroom, practising drawing his gun which he turns on himself but the bullet doesn’t Fire. From that moment Creasy finds a new start with Pita and attempts to be more supportive with her pursuing her dreams of becoming a swimmer. From the moment the bullet doesn’t go is the moment that their relationship starts to blossom and the connection that these two have is a very father, daughter bond which is portrayed perfectly to really tug on the ole heart strings to see this military man become a big lovable goof.

As I mentioned before, Denzel truly shines once he must bring back all his CIA Skills against the syndicate and some of the moves he pulls against these guys solidifies this film as a major action flick so if you’re a fan of seeing people’s hands blown off with shotguns then this is the film for you. Intense action scenes matched with a story that keeps you hooked until the last moments makes this a truly unforgettable experience of vengeance and corrupt cops blood splats. The film has enough twists and turns to make a hot turns track envious.

Before giving my score and my spoiler section there’s one major aspect of the movie that I both loved and also hated. Now this film is edited and shot supremely well. As well as having normal camera angles, it has a lot of montage moments where the camera will zoom in on a specific object or face. Shots will overlap with intense music playing in the background which all blend together to create amazing sequences to show either the alcohol taking over or the action scenes in an intense way. Now I’m a huge fan of these moments when I felt they were appropriate, when shots were being fired or an edge of your seat moment was happening but there were moments when these montage shot were happening on a fairly mellow scene and it was just too overwhelming and felt like it really wasn’t needed in some moments where I felt they were trying to keep the high octane pace going but it would’ve been fine just without it.

Overall yes, I like this, watch this, it is very good, very cool, very clever.

8 Post-It Note Zebra’s out of 10

SPOILERS

So the first half of this movie is the relationship for Creasy and Pita. Halfway through the story, the syndicate commit the crime of kidnapping Pita and shooting Creasy in the chest which he survives. They kidnap the daughter and ask for 10 million dollars ransom. When the deal is about to be made, the drop of the money gets ambushed by a side gang who steal the money. The main one in charge, his nephew gets killed in the ambush so he kills Pita SHOCK HORROR!!!. The rest of the story is Creasy getting revenge and killing everyone involved in the deal by cutting off their fingers and putting an explosive in their brown porthole.

Turns out the ambush was planned by the dad to try and gain some extra cash so I wanted him dead more than anything but the turning moment was finding out Pita was still alive. The moment that Creasy and Pita come together again at the end of the film was incredibly heart warming and made me tear up seeing their happiness shine together. It made it worth it pushing through all the annoying editing.

Rear Window

12th Aug 20197th Oct 2019 / criticallyashamed / Leave a comment

“A murderer would never parade his crime in front of an open window”
Review by Lily Taylor

It’s a Hitchcock so you know it’s going to be good, right? Hailed as one of his best works, it’s safe to say I had high hopes and ‘Rear Window’ certainly did not disappoint.

James Stewart stars as L.B. ‘Jeff’ Jefferies, an adventurous photographer turned prisoner in his own home after an accident on the job lands him with a broken leg. Jeff’s apartment window looks out into a courtyard surrounded by multiple other apartments and in the hot Manhattan summer his neighbours are forced to leave their windows open. With little else to entertain him, Jeff watches his neighbour’s comings and goings; ’Miss Lonelyhearts’ eating dinner with her invisible boyfriend, ‘Miss Torso’ the exuberant ballerina, ‘Mr and Mrs Thorwald’ an older, quarrelsome couple and several other noteworthy characters. For the dog lovers amongst you, there is also a small good boy who is lowered from his first floor apartment into his garden in a wicker basket.

Jeff is often joined in neighbourhood watch duty by his straight talking nurse Stella (Thelma Ritter) and his rather cosmopolitan girlfriend Lisa (Grace Kelly). The trio witness some suspicious events in the Thorwald’s apartment leading them to suspect that Mrs Thorwald has met a rather unsavoury end. Whilst confined to his apartment, Jeff ruminates on Lars Thorwald’s (Raymond Burr) actions and enlists the help of a detective friend to investigate but he reports back that all is well with Mrs Thorwald and she has simply travelled upstate and confirmed her safe arrival in a letter. Naturally, it would be a rather mundane story if it all ended there!

The most amazing thing about ‘Rear Window’ is the way that the entire movie is filmed from a single apartment room. Considering this film came out in 1954 there’s no fancy editing or CGI and yet, such a simplistic setup is made so dynamic with lengthy panning shots and you truly feel as though you’re standing in Jeff’s shoes- or sitting in Jeff’s wheelchair as it were. The attention to detail in terms of cinematography is immense, I particularly love the reflection of the courtyard in Jeff’s camera lens as he tries to spy on Lars Thorwald. Another scene that stands out in my memory is one in which all the neighbours are leaning out of their windows as something causes a scene in the courtyard, all except one. Mr Thorwald’s apartment is pitch black with the lights turned out and all we see is the light of his glowing cigar puncturing the darkness. So simple but so chilling, just what you expect from Hitchcock.

I have zero complaints about the casting, every role was acted out beautifully. James Stewart has very restricted movement due to his broken leg and spends the vast majority of the film restricted to his wheelchair. However, he has one of those incredibly animated and emotive faces so that, even when he is alone in a scene, there is no doubt about what he is trying to convey to the viewer. Quite possibly my favourite character was Stella the insurance company nurse. She is brutally honest with Jeff, wonderfully sarcastic and Ritter plays the part spot on. Similarly, I thought Grace Kelly was the epitome of elegance throughout the film even when Lisa finds herself in a sticky situation. Her character development was particularly strong as we start the film seeing her as a demure socialite and by the end of it she proves herself to be the 1950’s equivalent of a badass bitch. As Lisa’s nature is revealed to Jeff the pair seem increasingly suited to one another and it’s clear that he admires her courage and bravery. Although it’s quite a serious film, the three main characters succeed in delivering dry humour in all the right places; it strikes the perfect balance between comedy and edge of your seat suspense.

I have just two teeny-tiny qualms with this film and to be honest, one of them isn’t even really a qualm. There is a particular scene right at the end of the film that requires some CGI (if you’ve seen it then you’ll hopefully know exactly the scene I mean) and honestly it leaves a lot to be desired. Having said that, I think you have to take the ‘special effects’ with a pinch of salt and just remember that this movie was released in the same year as Bob Dylan’s Bar Mitzvah, so I guess you could say it’s a little old. The second little thing that I noticed was the lighting in the doorway of Jeff’s apartment. On a couple of occasions he is talking to Lisa or detective Doyle as they are about to leave the room and the lighting is super minimal. Honestly, I’m just being picky for the sake of a review and these things really don’t detract from the movie as a whole.

I would give ‘Rear Window’ 9 Purple Faced Carl The Waiters out of 10.

Black Swan

3rd Aug 20197th Oct 2019 / criticallyashamed / 1 Comment

“Perfection is not just about control. It’s also about letting go”
Review by Lewis Goodall

Black Swan is a non domesticated bird and is closely related to the goose and duck family. Black swans usually spend their time eating bread, building nests and being buoyant. They also have been known to have long necks and can become quite vicious when a toddler will try and get too close to it.

Black swan is also a film directed by Darren Aronofsky and tells the story of Nina (Played by Natalie Portman), a committed ballet dancer who strives to be perfect. Her feathers get rustled as she wins the leading role in the production of Tchaikovsky’s ‘Swan Lake’. She is destined to play the role of the white swan and the black swan but must keep it together as the stress and anxiety of the role get to her as she strives to remain perfect.

Got to say now, not a big fan of swans, I think they’re overrated, they look fun to strangle in my opinion. But I am a huge fan of Black Swan. This film absolutely blew me away from start to finish and i couldn’t contain myself after watching the film as I was just so overwhelmed with how much I loved it. Right from the opening shot we are greeted with some lovely cinematography from Matthew Libatique. Its starts with a ballet performance between Nina and a man dressed as a crow. The lighting, the music, the camera angles were all fluid as we then discover it to be a dream of what Nina craves. To be the leading role in Swan lake. She is part of a Ballet school that has brought in a new teacher who has decided to do Swan Lake with a twist. In the story of Swan Lake, there is a white swan and black swan, representing good and evil (no points for guessing which one is which), and this role is normally populated by two different dancers, but in this production it is played by one which happens to be Nina.

Nina, as mentioned played by Natalie Portman, is played amazingly. She starts as this timid teenage girl, very quite, very to herself and Natalie portrayed this so well so I was actually going to mark this film down because I thought she was being annoyingly quiet but you learn that it is perfect for this character as it properly shows the start for her characters development through the film. This is how you pace a characters development is this film right here, it’s so ever so subtle, just in the volume of her speech shows that she is starting to change. As the film progresses you can see her mental state slowly start to deteriorate as the weight of the role starts setting in more and more as the film progresses, this is shown through Nina’s general tone and through the visuals onscreen as Nina’s develops injuries on her body through no cause of her own. Also as she is playing both roles of the white and the black swan, she starts seeing versions of herself around her, showing that it is playing on her mind. Slight spoiler alert I guess so if you don’t want to know anything, skip to the next paragraph which i would highly recommend if you haven’t seen this film. Gone?…. Good. Basically throughout the film she starts to slowly develop characteristics of a swan, she starts visually changing into the black swan to show even further how this role is consuming her. The CGI when creating this is actually spectacular as well as it’s so subtle that is doesn’t overcrowd what you’re watching, it’s as subtle as parts of her skin going bumpy to simulate bird skin and how it’s all weird and lumpy.

Right, back on track. So Natalie Portman does a fantastic job in this role and so does just about everyone. Natalie is joined by Vincent Cassel, who plays the new show director, and Mila Kunis who plays the newest member of the Ballet society. Both these characters are incredibly written in their own right and both provide most of the friction that contributes the the struggles that Nina has with the role. Vincent playing Thomas as the new director was great at adding that authoritative figure to try and bring out Nina’s dark side. He see’s her potential and tries everything to bring it out as he knows it’s in there within. Mila Kunis as Lily plays the carefree girl who Nina essentially learns off during the film to figure out her inner recklessness. This film is written so well, just please see this film. I could speak forever about the characters. Even down to Nina’s mum Erica (played by Barbara Hershey) who isn’t on screen too much but is such a vital part to creating Nina’s character. I suppose that’s a way to sum it up. All the secondary characters have meaning, they all contribute to Nina’s development in one way or another and they’re all performed so well.

The directing is just so incredible in slowly showing the mental tug of war that Nina has within herself and just shows how far someone will go for what their passion lies with. A huge credit to Darren Aronofsky as well for directing a film with a sex scene that actually makes sense, so many times its just thrown in as a cheap gimmick but it contributes a lot to the story. In fact there isn’t a single part of the movie that isn’t purposely in there to add something and that I feel is true storytelling. The story is of course wonderful and it presented beautifully in every way shape or form. Of course it’s ballet so it has production value, I don’t normally look at costumes but they were all really nicely done. Everything technical is done well and the music itself is gorgeous. I always listen out for music and the music in this is loud and in your face to really sell the story.

I could spout on about this film for ages. There is still a lot untouched opinions in this review but I feel like I shouldn’t write anymore as I wont be able to stop otherwise. Although one more thing, one more thing. The ending itself was also perfect, and there is one line, one single line that is probably overshadowed by what’s going on but it has so so much background to it that it just played on my mind and that’s pretty much this film in a nutshell, the smallest details make the biggest ripples in the lake.

Overall I think I can see where this is going. The more I think about this film, I’m still thinking and even nitpicking, I can’t find anything I didn’t like about this film and the pure fact that I cant stop thinking about it and the amount I want to write and talk about it just makes me realise that this is one of my favourite films and I would recommend it to anyone. Well probably not anyone actually, I wouldn’t recommend it for toddlers cause they wouldn’t get it. Toddlers can just stick with getting bitten by the real birds. That works out better for everyone.

Also 1:08:15. Men. You can thank me later

10 Horny Granddads out of 10

Lion King (2019)

31st Jul 20197th Oct 2019 / criticallyashamed / Leave a comment

” [Simba roars] “
Review by Lewis Goodall

I’m going to do the same as I did with my Aladdin review and I’m not going to be comparing this to the original. I’m sporting this as it’s on entity which is super hard to do considering this film is pretty much identical to the original but I’m gonna do it. No comparisons, just solid opinions on this alone. So let’s get to it.

Everyone knows the story of Lion King but if you’re one of the 26 people in the world that doesn’t then the story goes a lil something like this. Mufussa (played by James Earl Jones who also played mufassa in the original, little fact for you there) is the king of everything the light touches, land and animals alike. His Son Simba (Played by JD McCrary when he’s and cub and Donald Glover when he’s older). Must learn the ways of being a king for when he takes over the throne. After Mufassa is murdered, Simba flees the kingdom to safety. From there Simba must learn responsibility and bravery as he discovers what it truly means to be king.

So this is the latest of the Disney live action remakes which as a concept is a major yawn. See my opinions about that in the Aladdin review. But as this is all animals which are all animated then it’s not so much a live action remake as it is just a patch for the original Lion King with a 4k update. Although saying that, the Animation was so incredible that I honestly couldn’t tell if something was animated or not, I even had trouble processing it when the animals were speaking to eachother. Its baffles me that computer animation is this good and I cannot wait to see where it goes from here. The Animators of this film deserve most of the credit to be able to create such a beautiful, lush African landscape and fill it with the animals that inhabit it with just the most insane amount of detail. At points I wasn’t sure if I was still watching the film or it switches over to an episode of ‘Planet Earth’. The whole film was stunning and seeing all the individual hairs on simbas cute little face rustle in the wind was just overwhelming. The animation is bitter sweet though as it’s actually brought about my biggest jip with the film, it was too real. W w w w what do you mean?? I hear no one ask. Yeah it was too real. They worked so hard to make them look like lions that it makes them lose character. This is me probably being racist but I honestly couldn’t tell the lions apart, apart from their voices. They had no facial expressions and it feels weird to look at the character not react the same as what they are saying which was kind of off putting. Also it was reeeeally strange when they were singing, that really freaked me out. Other than their faces the music and the singing was genuinely great and easy to bob along to, I felt everyone did a great job with the singing, but when you have Beyonce in the cast then the singing is bound to be above par.

The story itself is great and the performances of the characters were great as well. I honestly couldn’t single out anyone in the film for having a bad performance and I felt everyone did their part fantastically. Although I can single out the 2 that I felt were the best out of everyone. I really enjoyed Seth Rogan and Billy Eichner as the comic reliefs playing Timon and Pumba but my favourite comic relief was John Oliver who played Zazu. The kings winged royal advisor and his comedy timing was on point. The script itself wasnt too funny, alot of the humour was pretty forced but John Oliver did a fantastic job of turning lame jokes into a laugh. He was great but I feel the one who stole the show was Chiwetel Ejiofor as Scar. Mufassas evil brother, and you can tell he’s evil because he has the scar across his eye. Which also doesn’t make sense to me, is it a nickname? Was he born with the scar or did his parents just know he was going to get the scar? Either way the boy has a scar and the boy stole the show. He was incredible as Scar and playing the bad guy and I really felt like scar is one of the most evil bad guys in the whole Disney universe. Chiwetel really brought out my hatred towards the character with his performance and it was weirdly a pleasure whenever he was on scene, even though it was usually devious.

Overall this film I gorgeous, its probably the best and most realistic animation I have seen in a film and that itself is enough for me to recommend you go see this film. Everyones performances were great and the songs are just as catchy as ever to have you singing “THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIGHT” all the way home. But with the script having forced unhumourous humour and the animals faces not changing during the whole film (apart from raising their eyebrows), that does knock it down in my books because it was just wierd when Simba’s face stays the same. Neutral. whether it’s him laughing because he scared Zazu or when he’s sad and curling up to his dead dad.

6 Startled Chameleons out of 10

Alita: Battle Angel

29th Jul 20197th Oct 2019 / criticallyashamed / Leave a comment

“This is just a body. It’s not bad or good. That part’s up to you.”
Review by Lewis Goodall

The cyberpunk setting is one I could see myself living in. I love the whole design of run down slums with really high tech cyborgs walking around with half a normal face and the other half looking like unsheathed toaster (bet that’s the first time anyone’s used that sentence). But honestly the contrast of slums and future really gets to me and I would love to be a part of it. Ever since seeing Bladerunner, I feel in love with that style and that style is brought heavily in with Alita: Battle Angel.

Alita (played by Rosa Salazar) is an out of service cyborg that has been left to rot in a scrap yard, only to be discovered by Dr. Dyson Ido ( played by Christoph Waltz). Clearly bored of making vacuum cleaners, Dr Dyson takes Alita from the scrap yard and breathes new life into her by creating her a new body. Alita having no memory of her past, must go on a quest to discover who she once was.

The world in which this cookie cutter story takes place in is stunning. Like I said before, the whole cyberpunk vibe is just amazing to look at, you can really appreciate all the details that went into making that world. In the background of every inner city shot, there will be someone with a robotic arm or something along those lines. Cyborgs walking around and vehicles that have only one wheel. The attention to detail in the world is phenomenal. The film takes place in the year 2563, 300 years after a great war known as ‘The Fall’. Since then the city has been divided into two sections. The slum side where all the scum, ruffians, bounty hunters and general Artful Dodgers hang out. The other section is known as Zalem, This part of the city is suspended in the sky above the slum city and there is no way of getting there (2563 and apparently there’s no such things a planes anymore).

Something I found really great with this film is really having the feeling of being along with Alita and discovering parts of the world together for the first time. Rosa Salazar does her part really well during this film and especially the beginning to which I have to be honest, is my favourite part of the whole film. Just seeing the way the citizens interact with this futuristic dystopian world is great and especially once you get introduced to Motorball which holy mother of titty shaking Christ I wish was a real sport. Motorsport is basically basketball on roller blades where everyone is trying to kill each other. I got heavy spy kids 3 flashbacks whilst watching Motorball. Specifically the part in spy kids where they have the race on the hover bikes and pumped up unicycles (if you have no idea what I’m talking about then shame on you). I had this nostalgia trip and then realised that they were both directed by Robert Rodriguez so it made a lot of sense.

I wish there was more Motorball in the film, there were only a couple of scenes with It in and they were by far the best scenes and I would love for it to actually become a sport. Actually I wish the whole film revolved around Motorball because I feel it would’ve been a lot more interesting. Not to diss the story as it is but it was a very typical Hollywood, cookie cutter film.

The screenplay itself was alright and felt natural but there was nothing overly standoutish about it. The story line in general was just that really, it was general. It did the job and I was captivated the whole way through but nothing outside of the CGI blew my mind. Not even the score stuck with me, thinking about it I don’t remember if there even was any music, there definitely was but I just don’t remember it. All my negatives towards the film are minor ones as I still did enjoy the story, even if it was generic I still found myself getting really invested in what happened to the characters and I’m really rooting for them to make a second one.

Overall this film may have a standard template but the visuals and action in there really step it up a mark. The setting and world that this story takes place in makes the experience definitely worth while. The analogy that I have in my head right now is, imagine someone wrote a story on Microsoft word. It’s a story everyone knows by heart and has read before but this time they have used a really nice font and used wordart for the header to make It looks really pretty. If that analogy doesn’t work then just imagine it’s a cross between Bladerunner and spy kids 3.

7 Go-Go Gadget Extendo Fingers out of 10

Night of the Living Dead

27th Jul 20197th Oct 2019 / criticallyashamed / Leave a comment

“They’re coming to get you, Barbara”
Review by Lewis Goodall

So this is the film that’s started it all. If it wasnt for this film we probably wouldnt have zombies like they are today, we wouldn’t have Shaun of the dead, we wouldnt have the last of us, we wouldnt have those green cartoon zombies you get on paper party plates at Halloween. The night of the living day created the zombies we know and love today and you can understand why it’s been such an inspiration to this day.

Night of the Living Dead is a simple yet well executed story by the now father of zombies himself, George A Romero. A group of survivors find themselves trapped inside an abandoned farmhouse as they must fight to survive a hoard of the undead as a virus spreads fast across the ole U S of A.

The film starts with a brother and sister named Johnny and Barbara, arriving at a cemetery to deliver a bunch of flowers to their fathers gravestone. The sister (played by Judith O’Dea (which sounds like a knockoff swedish furniture store)) confesses her fear to being in the cemetery. Her Brother (played by Johnny Streiner) teases her about people coming to get her. At this point they are then not so violently attacked by a zomble (I’ve seen the word zombie too much recently so I’m mixing it up and calling then zombles). Barbara and Johnny get split up to which she finds herself at this empty, run down farmhouse. For a while she is alone until she is joined by Ben (Duane Jones) who has been run off the road by these zombies of the night. The two must survive the night with nothing but some planks of wood and the most stereotypical 1960’s radio you’ve ever heard.

Like mentioned before, George A Romero is the father of zombies. Before him a zombie was just a reanimated corpse that just kind of stood there, I dont know. Maybe people used them as a coat hanger or something. He had the idea of zombles coming back but encorparating the idea that they are evil and the nibble of human flesh. And thus the modern day zomble was born, now we have the lovable zomble that kids dress up as on Halloween and pretend to eat their friends. Maybe some cases they take it too far and they do eat their friends, that’s not Georges fault, he only invented the damn things. Now he has 6 zombie films under his belt, 3 that he should be proud of and 3 that…. well yeah he made six in total.

The zombles in the might of the living dead are slow but intelligent, it was actsully quite nice to see zombles using tools to help their way to their next meal compared to modern zombie films where they are thick as shit and walk into walls. The zombles looked like typical zombles and attacked the same. Now this film is an independent film from 1968 and had a budget of next to nothing for a film. I will say my criticisms now, I’ll get them out the way. There are moments in this movie where it was very obvious it was a low budget title. Cameras where out of focus and just some of the camera movements were very A-level media product. My other gripe with the film is that it doesn’t have much weight to it. What I mean by that is that I guess I’m so desensitized to the way modern zomble and general modern horror films are done nowadays that night of the living dead felt a bit soft. Example of what I mean is when a character would hit a zomble, theres no power behind it. It’s like when a cat would tentatively pat at a wasp. These are my only two negatives, just getting them out now.

In terms of everything else in this film, you can certainly see why it inspired so many directors going on. The story itself is paced perfectly and supported by a group of actors who all act their roles perfectly. The story builds up slowly but weirdly didnt go slowly, the end of the film crept up on me but in a good way. I’m trying to get out what I mean without seeming confusing but basically what I’m saying is that the film didnt drag, there, you happy. It all built to a hectic conclusion that had me tensing my fist in fear with what was going to happen next and I loved every second on it. The pacing of the zombles and the fear induced woudlnt of been the same if it wasnt backed up by an incredible score. I mentioned before that this was a low budget title but George mustve put most of it into the music. It was harsh violins pretty much start from the start and continued everytime a zomble tried their luck and its music thats effective and will stick with me.

Watching this film made me totally get on board with why this is such a beloved piece of art by most horror directors and it is an inspiration for many others seeing just a small time film, essentially change the course of history in terms of cinema and halloween.

Overally I feel my criticisms are many due to the age of the film and the limited budget but what they managed to achieve is astounding. Having such a tightly packed story, fit into such a deceptively simple story is what I feel makes it such a beloved film today. Also I have to mention that seeing the zombles in this film eat human was pretty gross. I thought I’d be used to it with modern zomble films but in this is was all gooey and wobbly and just…. *Shudders*