Point Break

“That’s ahh… that’s a surfboard alright! Looks like a ’57 Chevy I used to have”

Review by Lily Taylor

I’m a little bit biased when it comes to this movie, it has a special place in my heart. I first saw it with my Dad when I was about 14 and from that point on I dreamt of being a surfing, bank robber with an unruly mullet, like most teenage girls do. Although released in 1991, Point Break has a distinctly 80’s vibe, the music, the script and my God, the hair! Crowd favourite Keanu Reeves plays rookie FBI agent Johnny Utah who teams up with seasoned agent, Angelo Pappas (Gary Busey) to take down bank robbing badasses The Ex-Presidents. Four criminals in Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon, Lyndon B. Johnson and Jimmy Carter masks hit up a string of banks, emptying the cash registers within 90 seconds before ‘they vanish like a virgin on prom night’.

Whilst investigating The Ex-Presidents, Utah must go under cover to infiltrate a local group of surfers, enter Patrick Swayze and his dodgy haircut as charming surf guru Bodhi. As Johnny Utah begins to earn the surfers’ trust, he becomes increasingly enamoured with their adrenaline fueled lifestyle, conflicting with his role as an FBI agent. Point Break is a fantastic action movie, you’ve got guns, robbery, car chases, surfing, skydiving and even a cameo from Red Hot Chili Peppers’ lead singer Anthony Kiedis. I would recommend you don’t embark on this cinematic journey with expectations of ground-breaking special effects but appreciate it as a product of its time.

I love the cinematography in Point Break, there are some really iconic scenes and I particularly love the sky diving shots and of course the incredible surfing scenes. If you didn’t want to live in California before, you certainly will do after you watch this film. I think my favourite thing about Point Break is the completely unique relationship that forms between Utah and Bodhi, it’s a proper love hate feeling between the hero and the villain. Somehow even though Swayze is supposed to be playing the bad guy, I find myself rooting for him every single time. Johnny Utah’s conflict of character runs parallel to the storyline, choosing between his career wjth the law and his new surfer girlfriend (Lori Petty) and a life of absolute freedom.

I don’t say this lightly but for me, Point Break has a near perfect ending; I’m not about to go and ruin it for you, don’t worry. I suggest you embrace the old school Californian surfer vibe, crack open a cold one and just enjoy it for what it is.

I would give Point Break 8 thrown pitbull’s out of 10.

The Gentlemen

“It’s a good old fashion cock off raymond”

Review by Lily Taylor

If you like Guy Ritchie films then stick around and if not, f**k off. In typical Ritchie style The Gentlemen is a fast paced, gun filled fiasco littered with swear words and depravity… just how we like it. Matthew McConaughey plays Micky Pearson, a cannabis kingpin locked in a battle with a young gangster by the name of Dry Eye (Henry Golding) and newspaper editor Big Dave (Eddie Marsan). Big Dave’s pal Fletcher (Hugh Grant with a weird accent) narrates the film as he attempts to blackmail Micky via his slippery right hand man Raymond (Charlie Hunnam). Somewhere along the way Colin Farrell appears in a nifty little tracksuit (of course he’s in it, this is a Guy Ritchie movie) and he becomes Ray’s scrappy, Irish associate. It sounds a little complex but with Fletcher’s handy narrative everything is wrapped up nicely in a neat little bow by the time the 2 hours are up.

The first thing I enjoyed about The Gentlemen was the opening credits, they just have style and set the tone for the rest of the film. Ritchie’s attention to detail is clear right from the off. In one particular scene that stood out Fletcher is describing an old school style of filming a movie and the picture changes to match his description which was a really nice touch, especially if you’re a bit of a film geek like myself. Like most Guy Ritchie movies the scene changes are fast paced which complements the slightly slow burning storyline and keep the viewer interested.

The cast are all top drawer actors anyway but I feel they’re allowed to particularly shine in this film. Hugh Grant in particular plays a role you might assume to be out of his comfort zone but he does it brilliantly, right down to the cockney accent which just doesn’t feel quite right coming out of such a generally well spoken man. Matthew McConaughey is suave and likeable and Charlie Hunnam puts in a very cool performance. Colin Farrell just kind of does what he does in every Guy Ritchie movie but he does it faultlessly. There’s a fantastic mix of seriousness and violence alongside a fair dose of comedy and a plot line with more layers than your nans trifle. It certainly is high praise by I know I’m not alone in thinking this might be Ritchie’s best film since Snatch.

I really enjoyed The Gentlemen, it’s Guy Ritche at his best working with a great cast at the top of their games. I highly recommend you watch it, it is top notch quarantine viewing. After such a glowing review you could be forgiven for thinking I’m about to award a perfect score, sadly that is not the case. Without giving away any of the plot twists I will simply say that the ending felt a little bit rushed and that perhaps that particular avenue of the story could have done with some embellishment, but you’ll have to watch it to see what I mean.

I would give The Gentlemen 8.5 smoking paper weights out of 10.


“You drown not by falling into the river, but by staying submerged in it.”

Review by Lewis Goodall

I have a love hate relationship with this film. In the sense of it being a film, I loved it. How jealous it made me is another topic. Have you ever looked at someone and thought that they must’ve been crafted by God himself and placed on Earth to make everyone else feel like dirt? That’s Chris Hemsworth, he’s the alpha male and everyone else is a failed imitation and that’s why I hate it, but the film itself is amazing.

Extraction, Directed by Sam Hargrave, is a cliche but hard hitting action film about the abduction of a drug lords son. Ovi (Rudhraksh Jaiswal), is kidnapped by a rival drug lord and held to humiliate his father who is in jail. Ovi’s father, Ovi Senior who is in jail, gets his best man, Saju (Randeep Hooda) on the job to steal back his son. Saju thinks “ah hell nah I’ll be killed In seconds!”, so he hires Tyler Rake (Chris ‘God of thunder’ Hemsworth) to complete the impossible task.

Just a brief summary of what happens in the film right there, pretty simple premise, get the most bad ass person you know to carry out an impossible mission. Now every time I watch an action film, I just cant help but compare it to John Wick, which in my eyes is the perfect action film. Extraction takes the John Wick formula and replicates it perfectly, I wouldn’t say it exceeds but its definitely matched. The action sequences in extraction are down right incredible, including a 12 minutes long shot which always gets Lewis a bit tingly. Every punch, every kick, every gunshot hits hard. It certainly didn’t wimp out with showing you how brutal Tyler Rake can be. Watching him tackle a group of mercenaries that have been sent to hunt him down is always exhilarating and realistic. The realism comes from the fact that Tyler does get hurt, quite a bit in fact. He doesn’t just shrug off a hit to the arm, he puts on a sling which I felt added to the action and made it more engaging knowing you’re action watching a human and not a machine like some other action films when they can get shot in the eye and still have breakfast.

The action does pretty much last the entire film so if you’re looking for an all out action then this is it, one hour and thirty five minutes of pure adrenaline. It wouldn’t be an action film without an emotional cliche thrown in now would it. With Tyler, he has an emotional back story which I guess brings you closer to the character but in this it just kind of seems thrown in to give some depth. It really didn’t need to add the backstory, it didn’t add anything to the story in my opinion, i’m not opposed to it being in the film I just felt it was unneeded. Just have a tough guy who is cool with popping skulls but also with a happy childhood.

Overall this film is an action fan orgasm. It has all the components of a great action film with moments that will make anyone go “oof, that must’ve hurt”. The emotional scenes didn’t take up too much of the run time which is fine, if they added those in to get the ladies interested then there was no point, the ladies wont be listening because they’ll be too focused on Chris Hemworths brutal swans, as was I.

7.5 Childish Yeets out of 10

Charlies Angels (2019)

“Theres a cheese sized hole in my soul and I need to fill it”

review by Lewis Goodall

This review is dedicated to the one other person who was in the cinema. A woman who brought a book to see a film who was cracking up at every joke and she absolutely loved it. The book was ‘Invisible Women’, a book about how men own the world and how the women have to fight back and that’s all you have to know about the target demographic for this film. This ones for you random woman.

Charlie’s Angel’s, written and directed by Elizabth banks is the reboot everyone was screaming for. This time the gals are…. oh man I dont have the energy for this one, the story was all over the place, but essentially what happens is an corporation has built a new device that is going to revolutionize the way we use electricity. This device is essentially a hands free Google Home as you speak to it to turn lights on and off. The device has a major flaw though, it has the capability of being weaponized and turned into an EMP that will fry the brain of anyone within about 2 meters of it. It’s a job for the Charlie’s Angel’s to stop this device from getting into the wrong hands and save the world from misogynistic pigs!! GO GIRLS GOOOOOO!!!

I’m going to find it very hard to not get political during this review so I’ll try my best to stick to the film itself rather than the aim of it. So, without further ado, the film review. Its was garbage, a hot steamy load of garbage, but also at the same time not but also yes, yes no yes no yes no. It was certainly a film, that much I can say. It was a 2 hour film that somehow had nothing to it. Theres just so much to say about it, I’m probably sounding very all over the place so let’s break it down and talk about it from a technical stand point.

Technically, this film is pretty sound, at no point did I think that it was shot badly, but also I cant say at any point i thought that it was shot nicely, it was just generic. That’s basically it on a technical stand point, it’s very generic, its minimal enough to do the job and get the point across but it tried nothing to stand out. Action films have been ruined for me because no film will ever be John Wick. Theres just not a lot to say about it because it was just generic nothing bad to say, nothing good to say.

Generic sums up the direction of this film but I was surprised to actually see a bit of character out of the performances, specifically from Kristen Stewart. Again I dont have anything bad to say about the performances. We have Naomi Scott playing, Elena, the new recruit who personally helped build the device with the flaw. We have Ella Balinska who plays plain Jane, the one with obligatory british accent and we have Kristen Stewart playing Sabina, the fun qwerky one. Together they form the angels, with their boss, Bosley, played by the writer and director, Elizbeth Banks herself. Also Parick Stewart is in the film, just thought I’d point the out, had no idea he was in it. As I mentioned, to be honest, I didnt have a problem with their, I feel they all filled their shoes well, nothing off best about them. My problem lies in the script, oh boy let’s go off.

This screenplay is the definition of lazy. The performances were fine but they are let down by such awful… awful writing. It’s just super cringey. Kristen Stewart plays the comic relief and for me, none of her jokes landed, not once did I crack a smile at what she said. It was great seeing a bit of personality out of her but what she was saying was laughable for all the wrong reasons. Saying quotes like “you swiped right, and now I’m your girlfriend” before head butting someone was just overly cringey. Oh man, apparently there were jokes because the woman in the cinema was cracking up at some of the punchlines I couldn’t seem to work out where I was suppose to laugh because the punchlines were more like… I dont know, ticklelines, actually that implied that they make you laugh. Something softer than punching.

I guess I’ll quickly just say what I liked about the film which was some of the action sequences were actually nicely played out. Although they did the typical thing of making jokes while beating someone up, the beting peopleup parts were fairly consistent and in one instant cool as one of the Angel’s slides down a ramp shooting at a bad guy. That was nice.

The whole film was accompanied by a soundtrack by Ariana Grande who is a guilty pleasure so I enjoyed the aspect of the film. See, there were a few things i liked, just overal the whole experience was just boring. Boring and generic with some grade F comedy thrown in. A big problem was the length of the film compared to the content. What I mean is that it was 2 hours with no build to it, there were moments when they tried to humanize the Angel’s by giving them some backstory in the laziest way ever, but you dont really get connected to the characters or what they’re truly feeling. When they show emotion it just kind of happens with no reason or I suppose, context to really feel alongside the character.

Overall its just not a film for me. There are definitely some ma hating feminists that will love this film. Plenty of men in the film, only 2 are nice and one is a naff display of trying to add a love interest, but again, not going to get political. I can certainly see that someone would get something out of this film, the last in the cinema definitely did, but for me, this film was just the same as eating olives, I know people like them, but for me, I cant comprehend that people can est them because they just make me gag.

4 Bowl Cuts out of 10

The Raid 2

“Its not that I dont trust you, its just that I dont trust anybody”

Review by Lewis Goodall

After finishing the first raid film (which im sure you can see from there but I reviewed it here check it out before you read this one and watch the film cause it’s great! Anyway back to basics), I had to watch the second one because of how much I loved it. Thinking HOLY PINEAPPLES YES A SECOND RAID FILM! so naturally the first thing I did was go out a buy it cause it wasnt on netflix and watched it. Now here we are, at my review, let’s see what I thought shall we?

So ‘The Raid 2’, obviously the sequel to ‘The Raid’ and still directed by Gareth Evans. The sequel takes a more story based approach eoth our main protagonist, Rama (Iko Uwais). I realised I never mentioned it but he was the main character in the first one too. So the events of the sequel take place straight after the first where him and two others survived the onslaught from the tower they raided. Proving that he was someone to not be messed with, he goes undercover with the head honcho of the crime syndicate that he attacked in the first raid. His plan is to infiltrate, learn their secrets and take them down from the inside.

Taking a huge leap from the first film, the direction for this film was definitely to double up on all aspects, mainly the amount of story and the impact of the action. Gareth has once again nailed the violence and fighting that was already perfected in the first film so how he managed to top it I dont know. Although the ratio of fighting and story is more geared toward story this time, the action seemed to be hugely compacted where throughout the film theres less of it but when it happens, my god does it go off. The first film the action is very much like a machine gun, constantly going. Whereas in the sequel, it seems to be more like a mortar where it takes longer to reload but ultimately leaves a much bigger wound. Again there were moments that had me wincing, moments that brought out the same reaction as a young boy seeing a Hot Wheels advert for the first time. It still played to a beat that kept the rhythm of the fighting at a nice pace so that things were just enough, not too over the top but enough to be amazed.

Rama starts out with receiving the invitation of going undercover in return the police will protect his wife and son which seems like a pretty fair trade to me. In order to get closer to the kingpin of the operation, Rama goes to prison where the kingpins son currently is. From there they form a bond as they fight other prisoners who want both of them dead because that’s prison, everyone wants everyone dead. Feeling trusted, Rama is accepted within this gang where he must tag along with crimes in order to build more of a rapport and get closer to get the gossip. Watching the film, it didnt really feel like the sequel to the first, although the same characters were there, the style of the story was so completely different that it did feel a bit disjointed from the first. I dont even think there is a single raid during the sequel, unless you can consider Rama is silently raiding the family. I guess that works, we’ll go with that. I’m not necessarily saying that the story was bad, it just felt a little disconnected from the first considering the first had next to no story and this seemed to pack loads in there. I still very much enjoyed the story and the incorporation of old characters from the first.

Theres one character in particular that I have to mention because he was badass as hell and that was Prakoso (Yayan Ruhian). Now he’s a bad guy, was a bad guy in the first film but this mans fighting is just insane, I have to give him his own shout out. Hes that good that they got him in John Wick 3 to go up against, you guessed it, John Wick. This dude has the energy of a baby chimp with ADHD and 12 adrenaline shots in the arm. Hes a pleasure to watch fighting and looks so damn intimidating that everytime he came up on the screen my heart started pounding because I knew someones jaw was about to be spun. Along side him you have a plethora of other skilled fighters who have their own specialist weapons, looking like bad guys out of an anime. A man armed with a baseball bat, one with curved knives, my favourite however has to be the woman who wielded two hammers and my god I fell in love, I wouldnt mind having my spine sliced open with a hammer as long as she was wielding it.

Not only were the characters and action great, I also have to mention that on a technical level I was impressed as well. Not as overwhelmingly creative as other films in the genre but there were some shots that really stood out which I feel would seriously go unnoticed but are highly appreciated by moi. One in particular was when there was a car chase scene. The camera was filming the car, it then swooped around to the passenger window to film the driver. It then went behind him and out the other window, all in one take meaning that somehow its line the camera skewered it’s way through the car. I have no idea if I’ve described that to do it credit but it was subtle direction like that that kept it fresh as the film progressed.

Overall, we have yet another sequel that delivers just as much punch as the first. Focusing more on story this time, I actually appreciated the fact that it was a competent story as well because it so easily couldve gone down the marvel route and been a boring, cookie cutter style film but the whole experience was exciting. Minor hitches in terms of some parts of the story not really being tied off or some choices that seemed a bit pointless, but other than that, this is another action film that punches you right in the throat, grabs your nuts/labia and treats you right.

8 Big Black Strap-On’s out of 10

The Raid

“What about a spoon? Or some chopsticks?”

Review by Lewis Goodall

Less is more, a term that I find very appropriate in some cases but also very wrong in others⁹. In terms of food, less DEFINITELY is not more, you go to a fancy restaurant and they bring out a Lego brick sized piece of steak, no thanks, get me half a cow. Money also, a lot of people will tell you that less is definitely more, or maybe the more in this scenario is more outdoors time. Where I do find it appropriate is specifically in action films and their stories. Give me next to nothing story and 99% action and that’s a fulfilling meal. That’s what Gareth Evan’s has done, he’s given a cube of steak but filled it with the intensity of 50 gun fights.

I’m going to describe this in the shortest terms ever here on critically ashamed. A swat team enter a building and take out a gang. That’s it, that’s all the story you need, it’s as simple as that. Obviously theres a few more details in there like how the main characters wife is pregnant but overal thats it and my god is that one, simple story is done to the absolute max.

Seriously, the story is such a secondary part to this film, its gets brushed out the way by a janitor who knows kung fu. Keeping the story as simple as possible when it comes to action films is definitely the way to go because let’s face it, with action films, you’re there for the action baby! I dont want any drawn out monologues, I dont want a scene of someone crying on a beach, NO! Just give me a bunch if action, cut the fat, gimme the steak! This film is very similar to the first John Wick film in this aspect, but this puts a bunch of John Wicks in the same building with eachother.

So the film starts with the swat team entering the building to take out this gang lord who controls it. It’s a 15 story building and they slowly make their way up floor by floor. They start out with guns and pow pow the place up against bad guys who are also pow powing. When all the guns get lost is when the film really starts getting the adrenaline pumping as everyone is forced to use their fists, knives and just about anything they can grab a hold of. The intensity of each fight as the film progresses just seemed to get more and more intense to the point where one of the final fights actually had me out of breathe which is either a credit to the film or shows how serious unfit I am to get tired watching other people fight.

Its all choreographed insanely well where every fight seemed to have it’s own beat. It wasnt just a couple of people flopping around like fish out of water, you can tell these people can really fight. Each punch, elbow, kick really seemed to connect with bone crunching power and made me involuntarily react with ‘ooooh’ and ‘aaaaah’s. The music seriously helped although it’s more of just an extra cog in the fight machine, I couldn’t recite any of the music from the film but it certainly helped tick the fights over.

I just cant stop talking about the action! The film wastes no time in getting you there and continues it the whole duration of the film, theres not a moment where it let’s your pulse take a break. Like I said, cut the fat, just give us the juicy punch steak. I just watched the beginning back and it takes three and a half minutes to get to the point where the swat team are in the vehicle discussing tactics. A further two minutes to show the first death, and then from there the rollercoaster continues. I honestly think that music videos these days have more complicated storylines than this does and that is seriously not a bad thing.

Overal I loved this film if you cant tell so far. I love an action film done right where you actually feel like you’re watching people fight for their lives rather than the naff stuff you get over at marvel where people dont connect with each other and the person they punch, seem to float away for some reason, it’s all just so unrealistic. Indonesia know how to make a super compact action film that will actually have you on the edge of your seat. Oh yeah this is an Indonesian film, forgot to mention that massive aspect of the film.

8 Door Stops out of 10

Hardcore Henry

“you’re half machine, half pussy”

Review by Lewis Goodall

Hardcore Henry is a man resurrected from the dead with no recollection of what happened to him. All memory of his past life has been wiped but he wakes up to a woman repairing his body parts with robotic replacements. This woman is in fact his wife, but as she is repairing him, the bad guy who has telekinetic powers, turns up and kidnaps Henry’s wife!!! Henry then must hunt down this mysterious man with the help of his new found friend, Jimmy (Sharlto Copley). They work together to take down this bastard and save the only part of Henry that he remembers

This films style is actually based on a music video for the band ‘Biting Elbows’ with their song ‘Bad Motherfucker’. Apart from fatboy slims ‘weapon of choice’, this has to be one of the coolest, most russian, music videos I’ve ever seen. Before watching Hardcore Henry I seriously urge you to watch this music video anyway, even if you dont like the sound of the film, this video is great and full and action and humour. In fact I’ll just out it here in the review so you dont forget, here you go.

So as you can see from the video it’s a pretty intense, first person rollercoaster of violence, and if you didnt watch it then with that I’m sure you’ll go back and watch it, seriously it’s like 3 minutes, go on, treat yourself. So because of how viral this video went, they decided to get the same guy who directed it to make a full movie. So take that video and stretch it to an hour and forty minutes and add a storyline you wont care about and now you have ‘Hardcore Henry’.

What this film does incredibly is its ability to manage to make every single piece of action intense and fun to watch. Luckily this film is around 91% action so yeah it’s pretty intense the whole way through. Plus going off from the music video, this film is too entirely first person. Although this adds an interesting twist on filmmaking in general, the heavy action scenes where Henry is being thrown around by bad guys like a rottweiler with a baby, the first person view can be pretty disorienting. Other than the feeling of nausea you may get watching it in this view, it also shows how much of a beast Henry is. Being half cyborg means he serious packs a punch when fighting the hoard of henchman that he takes on. Whether it’s down to Henry breaking someones back or grinding someones head down a wall, every single hit, hits hard, and I mean reeeeeeally hard, a lot of parts making you wince, one part in particular if your man, trust me, that part made my meat and two testicles hide back inside myself.

This film is considered more of an experiment due to the innovative way of shotting the film and it seems like most of the effort went towards choreographing the action rather than anything else. Luckily like I mentioned, most of the film is action so in that sense it’s great, 10/10 I would say, but the story that’s poorly stitched in between is something that the film could’ve gone without to be honest. The problem is is that it seemed to over complicate the situation, to the point where I didnt care what was happening with the story, it all got a bit mixed up with itself. I would very much compare this film to a first person ‘John Wick’ in terms of action, what John Wick did great was give it a simple story, that way more of the focus is on the complex action, having complex action whilst also trying to fit in a complex story just didnt mix very well. Plus the acting is pretty atrocious in this film too just as a little side note.

Overall if you’re looking for a russian first person beat em up then log into your netflix account and get yourself on this. The story itself and chacters may be lacking but what it lacks in depth it more than makes up for in explosions and strip club gun fights, what more do you expect from Rus

6.5 Rotisary Legs out of 10

Ready or Not

“Put the maids in the goat pit”

Review by Lewis Goodall

Before anything else I have to tell you how you need to watch this film to get the best viewing experience. You have to go into this film not expecting anything as it paints itself as a horror but its not even close, it’s more of a comedy thriller. If you go into this film thinking it’s just a goofy/violent game of cat and mouse then you’ll much prefer this film rather than thinking its an off the wall, nut crunching blockbuster. It’s a fun one.

We are greeted with 2 children, running for their lives as you hear screaming in the background. The setting it a big, fancy pants looking house, the sort of house the national trust would preserve. As they run and hide, one of the boys meets face to face with a panicked man who asks for their help, just as this happens they are hit with a couple of crossbow bolts to the chest and dragged away. Cut to the future and we meet Grace (Samara Weaving (not margot Robbie as I kept thinking)), the bride to be to Alex (Mark O’Brien (also not Margot Robbie but this ones more obvious)). Alex is part of the Le Domas dominion, a family that made their riches through board games. On the night of their wedding at midnight, Grace must play a game with the family, dictated by a box that has been past down generations. The box pulls the card ‘Hide and Seek’ which kicks off a game of deadly cat and mouse where the family must hunt her down before dawn. 0 – 100 pretty quick huh?

This film is directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett who I will certainly be watching for the future as they certainly know how to make a fun film. Like I mentioned before, not taking this film seriously is the way to go as there are quite a few goofy moments in the film which are genuinely laugh out loud moments, but the tone can switch in an instance, edge of your seat panic to a rib tickler within minutes. The comedy within the violence adds a nice juxtaposition throughout, sort of reminiscent of ‘Shaun of the Dead’ with the sort of comedy we have. Also finally, a recent film that knows how to have a comic relief, leave it to just one character to do that job, if every character is a comic relief then it just doesn’t blend but in ‘Ready or Not’ we have one character that it Alex’s brother in law and all these moments were great to split the tension.

As for the rest of the family, they are all there during the hunt, some more adamant in killing the bride than the others using an arsenal left for them by their great grandfather, Including rifles, crossbows and axes. There’s no time really to gauge a connection to any of the characters apart from Grace but again as I mentioned, it’s not the sort of film where you need to get invested in all their backstories to know who they are, all you need to know is that they’re ready to kill. All their acting fits the job but the standout during the film is Samara as Grace and that’s purely down to her scream, my god she has a good scream, its sounds pained and really hit home with the pain and panic she was feeling, I know it’s a weird detail to pick up on but it stuck with me.

As shes screaming I’m sure you’re already assuming that at some point she gets hurt and you’d be correct, she’s not the only one though. I’m not going to spoiler who gets hurt with what but if you’re looking for your blood fix then this is certainly in that bracket. Again, comparing it to ‘Shaun of the Dead’, I would rate the violence on that sort of level, I would say in this though it’s slightly more over the top, particularly as it reaches the final scenes. Some of the violence packs the most laughs so I’m not going to spoil what happens but the blood goes both ways in terms of serious incidents and hilarious incidents. There was one man in front of me who was getting a real hoot out of the violence.

Overall this isn’t a masterpiece of comedy, it certainly has its flaws, particularly one Incredibly obvious mistake where the editor should’ve been horse whipped because I don’t know how they didn’t pick it up. Other than that this film is just a good laugh, if you’re looking for an easy film that need to satisfy your gore hole then I would recommend this. It’s a good insight to seeing how messed up the rich are and how devoted they are to board games.

7.5 Crossbow Tutorials out of 10

Man on Fire

“His art is death, he’s about to paint his masterpiece”

Review by Lewis Goodall

Denzel Washington, the best actor ever, he’s so darn cool, he’s so darn clever (which is a reference 926,000 people will understand) plays John Creasy, an alcoholic, body guard with 16 years military training who is visiting an old friend, Paul Rayburn (Christopher Walken) in Mexico. Paul has a job opportunity for John to protect the daughter of Samuel Ramos (Marc Anthony), a successful businessman who does business things has money. Samuel Ramos’ daughter, Pita (Dakota Fanning) Is a swimmer/piano player/young person who is being protected by Creasy as there has been an increase in child kidnappings in the surrounding area by an organised crime syndicate who ransoms kids for money. Creasy being a depressive alcoholic finds it hard to take his mind off the job and makes no attempt to be Pita’s friend (the audiences sadly goes “aaaaaaaw”). As they spend more time together they build more of a connection till they are practically inseparable (the audience happily goes “aaaaaaaaaw”). As the syndicate commits a crime against the Ramos family that Creasy is hire to protect he must channel his former CIA skills for his tale of vengeance.

There’s more to the story than that but I don’t want to spoil the story right here at the beginning so I’ll have a spoil section at the end because I very much need to talk about that half of the film as well so no spoilers here for you and I recommend that you see this film without seeing the spoilers cause this is a damn fine movie.

Now this film is actually based on a true story which I had no idea about until the very end to which is was like “oh wow this was based on a true story”. The whole time watching it I was thinking what a creative and original story this was so I was gonna give a lot of credit to the writers for creating the story but I guess I have to thank the real life John Creasy for creating this great story. Turning this true story into this fantastic movie is a credit to the screenwriters for making a smooth experience for this story. Starting off with showing Creasy’s character through the alcohol he drinks was a great introduction into learning just how this character works. Denzel Washington is honestly fantastic and is the most stand out performance in this whole film, especially once we start seeing him rekindle his military training and going after the bad guys in the film. He’s truly the black John Wick in this film, and if you haven’t seen John Wick well he is basically a white John Creasy.

Dakota Fanning who is 9 years old in this film actually has a stand out performance which Is really surprising when normally kid actors are pretty useless. Although there is one moment where I saw her look at the camera, I saw you Dakota, don’t try and deny it.

These two start off together as strictly business as he takes her to school in the mornings to keep her safe from any potential predators that could be lurking. Telling Creasy facts about recent kidnappings and asking personal questions sets their relationship off to a bumpy start as Creasy is an introvert with a dark past of violence and loss. Constant reminders of his past, mixed with the alcohol makes Creasy a very suicidal boy to which he finds himself in his bedroom, practising drawing his gun which he turns on himself but the bullet doesn’t Fire. From that moment Creasy finds a new start with Pita and attempts to be more supportive with her pursuing her dreams of becoming a swimmer. From the moment the bullet doesn’t go is the moment that their relationship starts to blossom and the connection that these two have is a very father, daughter bond which is portrayed perfectly to really tug on the ole heart strings to see this military man become a big lovable goof.

As I mentioned before, Denzel truly shines once he must bring back all his CIA Skills against the syndicate and some of the moves he pulls against these guys solidifies this film as a major action flick so if you’re a fan of seeing people’s hands blown off with shotguns then this is the film for you. Intense action scenes matched with a story that keeps you hooked until the last moments makes this a truly unforgettable experience of vengeance and corrupt cops blood splats. The film has enough twists and turns to make a hot turns track envious.

Before giving my score and my spoiler section there’s one major aspect of the movie that I both loved and also hated. Now this film is edited and shot supremely well. As well as having normal camera angles, it has a lot of montage moments where the camera will zoom in on a specific object or face. Shots will overlap with intense music playing in the background which all blend together to create amazing sequences to show either the alcohol taking over or the action scenes in an intense way. Now I’m a huge fan of these moments when I felt they were appropriate, when shots were being fired or an edge of your seat moment was happening but there were moments when these montage shot were happening on a fairly mellow scene and it was just too overwhelming and felt like it really wasn’t needed in some moments where I felt they were trying to keep the high octane pace going but it would’ve been fine just without it.

Overall yes, I like this, watch this, it is very good, very cool, very clever.

8 Post-It Note Zebra’s out of 10


So the first half of this movie is the relationship for Creasy and Pita. Halfway through the story, the syndicate commit the crime of kidnapping Pita and shooting Creasy in the chest which he survives. They kidnap the daughter and ask for 10 million dollars ransom. When the deal is about to be made, the drop of the money gets ambushed by a side gang who steal the money. The main one in charge, his nephew gets killed in the ambush so he kills Pita SHOCK HORROR!!!. The rest of the story is Creasy getting revenge and killing everyone involved in the deal by cutting off their fingers and putting an explosive in their brown porthole.

Turns out the ambush was planned by the dad to try and gain some extra cash so I wanted him dead more than anything but the turning moment was finding out Pita was still alive. The moment that Creasy and Pita come together again at the end of the film was incredibly heart warming and made me tear up seeing their happiness shine together. It made it worth it pushing through all the annoying editing.

Dark Phoenix

“You feel like you don’t belong here. You don’t.”

Review by Lewis Goodall

Dark Phoenix (directed by Simon Kinberg) is the latest in the X-Men franchise. It focuses on Jean grey (played by Sansa Stark) who during a mission with the other X-Men, gets corrupted by a super natural entity which transforms her into the forever powerful Dark Phoenix. As the power envelops her and takes over, the rest of the X-Men must decide whether saving a member of the family is worth the lives of the people on earth.

I’m not really a fan of the marvel films and I have never seen an x-men movie before so maybe I’m being a negative Nancy and going into this film already with a bad attitude so I decided to not listen to others reviews and give it a shot, I may not appreciate some things as it will for sure have references to other previous films but I’ll give it a chance.

I shouldn’t have.

This film reminds of those moments where you’re at an event you really don’t want to be at and your phone dies so you have to just kind of look around and hope that something interesting happens. The film follows the typical marvel film beat of set-up, conflict, story, conflict, story, conflict, story, main bad guy conflict, end. This is my issue with marvel films right off the bat, they all seem to follow this structure and it just gets repetitive.

The story starts with backstory into Jean grey and watching as her 8 year old self unknowingly uses her powers against her mum whilst driving. Jean grey, her mother and father are in a crash that ultimately kills her parents. Professor Xavier (played by James McAvoy) adopts the supernatural Jean into the school for X-Men to control her powers for good.

The X-Men head for a mission to save a crew aboard a space shuttle that has collided with a supernatural cloud in space. Jean grey helps to save the space crew but at this time is hit with the cloud and it seemingly gets sucked into her body to which the decent into anger and evil commences.

A metaphor for marvel films is this, you go into a restaurant and you order a meal and it tastes good, you enjoy it so you go to the same restaurant and order the same meal, you repeat this over and over again until the meal is boring and always tastes the same. Sometimes the restaurant will get a new chef (director) in to spice it up and it adds to the meal but it’s still the same boring meal, you expect it to change but it doesn’t. Or to any fans of the game Far Cry 3, “Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity? “

Hugely off topic but Dark Phoenix and nothing to shout home about, the film is just boring, if I had any beard hair I’d be plucking it out out of boredom to the point that I didnt have a beard left, in fact that’s how I’ll recommend this film, if you want a good shave then watch Dark Phoenix.

Many times I found myself sighing at the predictability of the script, in some cases actually guessing what was about to be said. Crafted like a child with dry macaroni and a faulty hot glue gun, it presents just a awful display of character to which none of the characters had any. The dialogue was cliche and like I mentioned before, I found myself saying the line before the character had even said it.

The characters themselves are acted mediocrely by pretty much everybody involved, no one brought anything to the table. Sophie Turner who is at the front of the pack in this film was probably the better of all the characters in the film alongside James McAvoy, these two showed promise during some scenes.I was excited to see quicksilver (played by Evan Peter’s) as Ive seen clips of him in before and seems to have a personality but they decided to have him in about 8% of the film. Going into the film not knowing much about the characters, I had to learn along the way in which way they fit in the puzzle of the team. Cyclops (played by Scott Summers) shoots lazer beams, Hank aka the beast ( played by Nicolas Hoult) turns into a walking blue lion (that’s sure to offend X-Men fans) and Mystic (played by Jennifer Lawrence) can apparently only turn caucasian. Learning after the film that mystic is a shape shifting assassin surprised me because she is so underused in this, she changes appearance once and doesn’t fight anyone so it had me questioning why she was there?

Midway through the film we are greeted with these alien beings that look as though they were lifted straight from the film ‘signs’. We quickly learn that these beings are manipulate themselves to take the form of any of their victims. They are on earth as they were following the supernatural cloud that Jean grey absorbed as the cloud contained abilities that would make the owner the most powerful being in the universe.

It’s hard to say anything about a film that was as numbing as this was. As I said before I know I’m not a marvel fan so I can see why I wouldn’t get some of the emotions that other marvel fans might but I find it hard to believe that many fans of the franchise would consider this anything close to great. Alot of the more ‘tragic’ or ‘dramatic’ scenes were done in a way that had me smirking more than gasping. The scenes in which included these alien beings we’re closer to being comedic then they were terrifying. One scene in particular were there aliens are trying to convert Jean grey to their side and convincing her to kill the X-Men. She has Profesor Xavier in a choke hold similar to Darth Vader where shes choking him with her mind. The scene itself pretends to be dramatic but the sound editing in this scene is comedic genius, it will be complete silence, then a random grunt of pain from professor Xavier, back to complete silence. This repeated a fair bit and it got funnier as it went along.

I spent most of my time during the story aspects of the films hurrying it along to get to the next part of action. Even then the action was fairly underwhelming apart from the character Nightcrawler (Played by Kurt Wagner) who was actually probably the most entertaining thing to watch during the entire duration of the film. The CGI that created the effect of him teleporting away was actually quite mind blowing. I will give this film that the CGI was exceptional. It was nothing that made me Owen Wilson ‘wow’ out loud but the mixture of CGI and practical effects to create the characters was done well, and especially it used in creative ways during the action scenes, although the action itself was fairly lackluster, I cant deny that parts were very pretty to look at. Production in this film raises the film partially from the depths that all other parts of the film dig it into.

Hans Zinmer scored the film and it definitely shows. The music is by far the most important aspect of the film that held it all together. Even though I was very unimpressed by what I was watching, was I was listening to was an another level and that’s just what to expect from a Hans Zimmer style.

Overall the film had moments where it just tried to hard to be interesting with the majority of the script being at best cringy and the action had a few moments that were impressive but all in all had me checking my watch more than checking the screen. The end is awful too but it was expected from the rest of the film. I’ll talk more about that in the spoiler section.

3 Blind Kids On Bikes out of 10


As I mentioned in my overall. The ending was awful too.

The main aspects that happen in the film are that Jean Grey absorbs the supernatural cloud and becomes this almighty being who can read minds, shape shift and fly. She discovers that her father didn’t die in the car crash when she was younger so set out to find him after many years. Once finding her father she discovers that the father didn’t want to check her because she killed his wife and didn’t want anything to do with her. The other X-Men track her down to take her home but she is overcome with anger and the corruption of the cloud that she fights the X-Men, ultimately ending in the death of Mystic (played by Jennifer Lawrence).

The alien beings that were chasing the cloud to harness the power are now chasing Jean to take it from her. Naturally this ends up being the main fight at the end, between Jean and the main alien who has some of the clouds power but not all of it. They are fighting and the power becomes too strong and the combination of them both would create a shock wave that would killed all surrounding people, including the other X-Men. So Jean flew up into space with the alien and they both exploded into a colourful Phoenix ultimately killing both, making the ultimate sacrifice. The end.

This end fight between the two of them lasts around 5 minutes and they managed to cram in the cringey dialogue and boring combat into that. There were moments that the film tried to be cool with the combat but just comes off as super forced and uninteresting. Marvel films would do themselves a favour and learn from the John wick films in how to do action properly.